Sorry for the rant. But I just had to get this out somewhere.
My wife and I have been taking care of her Mother since 2012 and things have just gotten so bad this year. She is over 400 lbs and my wife and I cannot move her and she refuses to do her PT and now can barely walk. She has begun to lose control of her bladder and has decided she just doesn’t want to get up to use the bathroom anymore so she just messes the bed. When we try to get her up to clean her, she says she is too worried about falling or too tied so she just sits for hours in her mess and the house smells terrible. We lose hours just waiting for her to be ready to get cleaned up. She has now developed a large pressure wound on her hip and bloods clots in her leg and had to be taken to the hospital. It took 6 firemen 2 hours to carry her out of the house due to her size. Now the hospital wants her to go into rehab for her wounds and to help regain use of her legs, but she is refusing. She wants us to take care of her at home. We don’t have the money to move into a better house for her and their seems to be no resources that we can drawn on. We are so tired emotionally and physically trying to reason with her.
Thank you all for letting me vent.

Any recommendations on economical new tires for my 2016 300c? My tire size is 225/60-18. I bought the car used with a set of Uniroyal Tiger Paw Touring A/S tires. I've been enjoying pleasantly surprised. They drive very quiet and no vibration whatsoever. However it looks like they may be in the process of discontinuing these tires for some reason according to tirerack and discount tire. Looks like maybe still available at walmart. However, I won't need tires at least until the winter, so I'm not sure they will be available then. What kind of tires do you have on your 300? Are you happy with them?

Pt 8
It has been 3 months since i have been locked up. 3 long months with no orgasms no release. On one sense I was extremely frustrated dying to be able to jerk off again. But mostly I have felt more at peace them ever.
A month ago Jason moved in permanently. He still is gone almost half the time on work trips but all of his belongs are now in his bedroom he shares with Kay. I stayed in the guest room for a while but it was determined that was too much for me. Plus Kay still wanted to have people over so I converted an old walk in closet in the basement to my new bedroom.
With Kay’s and Jason salaries I was told to quit my job as I would be permanently at home taken care of all the chores. The day I went into resign they dressed me in super tight pants where you could see the outline of the cage. I was so humiliated. Kay even came with me just to make sure I was going to be good. We walked in together but she had me wait outside my bosses office for a minute. I kept my eyes down and tired not to notice anyone.
“Come on in now” Kay said. “Yes Mam” I said as I walked in.
“Sorry to see you leave” my boss started to say and I noticed his eyes tilt down to see the outline of my cage. “ Your wife has explained it all to me. Good luck with the new maid service.”
“Thanks you. It was a ple….” I started to say.
“We have to go now” Kay interrupted. “Let’s go cuck.”
What I can’t believe she used that name in front of him! As the door closed I heard my former boss pick up the phone and start telling everyone what just happened. During the walk out of the building people peered our form over their desk to see if it was true. I could hear them snicker and laugh as we walked out.
“There now you will have plenty of time to take care of things at home. Just like we talked about right Cuck?”
“Right Mam”
It has now been 3 weeks since I have left the house. I spend my days in my cage wearing panties. My favorite ones are the pink with white stripes. And the other day I was good so Kay picked out some new ones for me. I really do like how see looks out for me.
——- One night after and quick clean up for dinner I was able to hang out with them in the TV room. There was some sexy show on and I noticed the two of them starting to rub on each other. After they made out for a while Jason called me over. “Crawl over here Cuck”
“Yes Sir”
As I crawled he undid his pants and pulled out his perfect cock. He didn’t even have to say anymore. I knew what was required and I happily got to work. The two of the actually went back to watching the show as I suck up and down. It was in situations like these were I knew I should have been embarrassed or angry but I could feel was pride because I was giving him pleasure. After he cam I shallowed and he pushed he away. “Get our bedroom ready”
“Yes sir”
——-
Sometimes when I didn’t listen they would punish me. When we moved Jay in permanently I broke a dish and he spanked me so bad my ass was red for a week. Another time I folded his clothes incorrectly. In that case an apology was enough. But not always.
“Cuck! Why didn’t you tell me my car needed gas!” Jason yelled.
“Sorry sir. I haven’t been out of the house for a while now I didn’t know”
“Well I meant to tell you to remind me last night. I need you to ask me about these things. Damn it! You’re useless.”
“Sorry sir. You are right it is me fault”
“Get over here and bend over”
I walk over and bend over his knee “I’m sorry. Please. I will do bet…” WHACK! WHACK! WHACK!
——
I think that pretty much brings us to today. Jason is away on a trip and it’s just me and Kay.
“Cuck come in here” Kay calls.
I run in for the other room. “Yes M’am”
“You know we have a anniversary coming up?”
“We do? Our wedding is not for another few months.”
“Nope. It’s the anniversary of the start of our new life. It was a year ago today I had that dream about another man. I couldn’t believe how wet it made me.”
“Me either. Your panties were soaked”
“Haha. Yeah they were. I had no idea all this was going to happen. I think deep down I knew your were not mainly enough. I mean I knew your were smaller then most but I didn’t know how much I was missing.”
“Well that’s not something you need to worry about now.” I said as I tapped on my cage.
“Haha. Nope. That THING is disgusting.” She said with a true passion. “I was so surprised how fast you accepted your new role. When Jason would talk on the phone in the beginning he would ask about me and you. About why you would want to share me.”
“Wait he knew from the beginning?”
“Oh yeah. All those things we did were little tests. He bet me he could get you to take off my bra for a photo. I said there was no way.”
“Wow. I didn’t want to do it.”
She gave me a knowing look. “Come on. Yeah you did. You barley put up a fight. I remember right after you took it off I sent the picture and Jason was like ‘told you so’. They he asked me how far I wanted to go.” I sat there with my tiny cock staining against the walls of my cage.
“I was so new at this. I asked him how far is there to go. Do you know what he said?”
“What?”
“He said I bet you I can make him apologize for having sex with you.”
“That was a set up!”
“Yep. Each step having you dress me. Focusing on your small size. That was the important part he said. ‘Remember to remind him of how pathetic his tiny dick is. He already knows, and he knows you know too. So saying it out loud will confirm his thoughts.’ And it worked. I could believe it.
Even Jason was surprised how fast you submitted. That first night when I have my ass in the air. I remember thinking this was not going to work but I would be a fun experience. Getting a chance to suck on his cock would be enough. But then you fell right for it. Why?”
“Why?”
“Yeah why did you apologize for have sex with me?”
I hung my head down.
“Because….I mean…. I guess I just couldn’t pretend anymore. My whole life I have been trying to be strong or manly. But it was such a fight. Those ‘tests’ as you call them being told what to do. It was like…..I felt at home for the first time.”
“I can see that now. At the time I was shocked. Some of the angry before that was part of an act to see what you would do. But at that moment I was angry. I could see Jason was right. Your were a cuckold. And I was not ok with that. It took a lot of convincing from Jason that this was who you were that everyone would be happier this way.”
“How did he finally convince you?”
“Haha. When you slid is cock into me that first time. I was convinced. It felt amazing better than anything I had before. And you had helped give it to me. You guiding his cock into me changed everything. And I thank you for that. When did you accept we were no longer role playing?”
“I was right before that. When I took off your panties for him. It just felt so natural so right. “
“After that I knew Jason was right about everything and I just followed his plan to complete your transition to our Cuck.”
“I feel like I should be upset that I was coerced into this.”
“Ha. Really? You didn’t want it?”
“No you are right. You both just did was I wasn’t strong enough to do. I am glad I am able to serve you both.”
“And we are happy to give you a chance to live your true life.” As she said that she tapped the top of my cage through my panties. “I like these pink ones.”
“Me too” I said as I leaked through the cage getting cum on my panties
“Haha. Now whose panties are all wet!” She laughed. “Clean this up before you get it anywhere.” She said sternly.
“Yes m’am”
——-
The night Jason came back he took Kay up to their room and told me to wait outside the door on my knees.
“I missed you so much” Kay said.
“Me too.” Jason said as he lowered his pants.
“Fuck I still haven’t gotten over the size of it” Kay said as she knelt down to take it in her mouth.
“That’s because you had cuck for long. How did he take the news?”
“Barley blinked an eye. You were so right. He is a cuckold through and through.”
“And you are my little cum slut aren’t you?”
“Yes I am”
After that I could only hear the familiar noises of the two of them having the kind of sex I could only wish for. But for now I stay here by the door with my tiny dick leaking making a stain on my panties waiting for them to call my name. Hopefully I get to clean up tonight. I stay super still listening, waiting and living the dream.
The end.

I've been seeing a guy for 2-3 months. We really enjoy our time together and I'm very attracted to him. We haven't had a conversation about being exclusive yet but things are going nicely, albeit slow.
However the sex....I don't want to say it's bad but it's lacking. A big (small?) issue is size...He has a slightly below average penis and I must just have a big vagina because I cannot feel him at all. He struggles to keep it up and I honestly think it's because he can't feel me much either. This guy just doesn't seem super into sex, like not really into foreplay either. I can't tell if that's how it is for him in general or if it's specifically with me. We've talked about it before and he mostly says he's tired and stuff. Even if I ignore the issues of libido, the fact is he's too small for me/I'm too big for him and I'm not sure what could change that.
Sex isn't the most important thing to me, I have my own issues with intimacy and it's definitely not all his fault. I am very into to him emotionally and physically. I don't know...maybe all the other stuff could make up for no sex life? I've gone a few years without sex (being single) and have been more than fine. Would you keep dating someone even if it means a lackluster sex life?

Book 1: Raraku

Epigraph

Another entry of Sayings of the Fool by Thenys Bule. I've wondered before what kind of Fool the title refers to; I'm now comfortable saying that these are sort of anti-proverbs, which are examples of folly that must be avoided in others. The fool swims across the desert sands, because he has "seen shells and the like//On this desert floor." Thus, he "swims this land's memory//Thus honoring its past." Curiously, the Fool recognizes the suicidal nature of the task, "For [he] shall drown long before//[he is] done." Also, he is not dying of dehydration, but specifically drowning. It is the past that shall kill him.
The Fool has prioritized honoring the past over his life, the present. Such seems to be our lesson, and given the following chapter (and I assume Book 1 as a whole) being filled with characters making drastic choices for the sake of the past, I feel like this is a most relevant, and thus ominous, warning.

Chapter 1

A new setting, a new cast. I'd known this before I'd started GotM, but it conceptually bothered me far less than it seems to bother others. You learned a new setting and cast in the first book, right? You'd be doing the same if you backed out for another series, right? Anyway, with longer scenes and samples, I can confidently say the prose, characterization, and dialogue are all much improved after a decade's training on Erikson's part. This all also feels very Dune-ish, as well. But without further ado...

Epigraph

A poem or excerpt of a poem titled The Path of Hands by Messremb (whom the Dramatis Personae tells us will make an appearance himself at some point) It ties rather closely with the opening scenes of the chapter, so I'll give my thoughts on this once we have some more context below.

The Chapter Itself

It is the next year, 1164 B.S. and what is locally called the Sixth of the Seven Years of Dryjhna, the Apocalyptic. We get some indication as to what this means later. Mappo Runt watches a rising plume of dust moving across the desert while informing his companion, Icarium, of what it is he sees. Flat-headed, long-necked, shaggy, and black with three legs, he judges it to be some creature known as an aptorian. He also berates Icarium for his running hairdye. Disguised as a Tanno, the seven-foot, Jaghut-blooded Icarium speculates that their passage has been marked by anyone caring or knowledgeable enough to guess who they are, but such could not be helped. The presence of the aptorian speaks to another impending convergence, one which Shadowthrone is inspecting. This particular creature, ranging wide of its pack, has seemingly fallen under the sway of Sha'ik. We get some slight information on who or what Sha'ik is, but not terribly much. They do hold an army out somewhere in the desert, by a watering hold the two aim to reach.
Icarium eyes his friend, a millennium old, and as a Trell, large with a shaggy mane down his neck and back, bearing long, sinuous arms. He recognizes reluctance in his friend, and calls it out. It seems the aptorian is a demon of sorts, and Mappo is reluctant to face such creatures. Icarium, in contrast, is driven by curiosity and would press forward. They pack up camp and enter the basin.
Later, by nightfall, the two continue into the desert, and we get some nice descriptions of the land and its fauna. resting in some ruins, the two prepare for tomorrow's search. Of note, the sand faintly glows to Mappo's eyes, so I assume Trells can see into infrared? We already knew his sight was much better from the previous scene, but this helps contextualize it. We get confirmation that the land is indeed littered with tels, as that's just how long-term civilization works, especially in a desert. Separated fairly evenly at fifty years apart, there was once a rich and powerful civilization that lived here. Many of the ruins tell of a swift and violent end, although the exact nature of this end is uncertain. From this time, legends of Dryjhna the Apocalyptic have formed, resurging once again across the Holy Desert Raraku.
Curiously, the ensuing thoughts of Mappo, despite their strangeness, are considered "familiar ruts" by the text. Thoughts that deny they can discover what occurred here, that they are "no closer" than they've ever been, and that he has no reason to doubt such thoughts. They're looking for something in the lost past, and the nature of that hunt has Mappo checking himself. In the courtyard, Icarium has found something. Tiny scratch marks along the base of a column, coordinated. Could these be the imprints of passage the Epigraph speaks of? This is enough to suggest to the two that there are D'ivers nearby, and we soon find out why. They even assume a specific D'iver, Gryllen. They anticipate more shapeshifters, and it is now that I should point out that all the characters of this storyline are designated as ON the Path of Hands, indicating that this is a literal path/route which is part of some ritual or ceremony. One which seems to attract many shapeshifters, which is described here as "the fever for which there is no cure." The references to Ascendancy both here and in the epigraphs seem to indicate that this path has some ties with that as well. They also reference gates (Deadhouse Gates?) which some believe offer Ascendancy.
Speculation Time:
The Path of Hands is a path that leads to an Azath. Not the Deadhouse but the Odhanhouse in Seven Cities. Namely, because they themselves are near Pan'potsun Odhn, and are, well, in Seven Cities, lol. There is a belief that entering the fickle gates of an Azath provides ascendancy. Considering Shadowthrone and the Rope entered the Deadhouse, and Shadowthrone is evidently interested in the goings on here, there likely isn't nothing to the idea, but Icarium and Mappo seem to be heading for it for some other reason. Namely, Icarium's eternal goal, which we receive some indication of.
Icarium has lived for centuries, possibly millennia,* yet cannot remember his own past (whether this is because of magic shenanigans is currently unknown, but immortals with a mundane/finite memory are one of my favorite niche tropes in fiction so I'm all in on this storyline. It may be that he inherited a Jaghut lifespan and a human/whatever memory, causing this, but the continual reference to a curse may very well be literal) and seems to be seeking a way to recover them for what seems are personal reasons. Mappo seems to regret something in his or Icarium's past, considering his friend's curse a gift.
*This also makes his question "how long have we been friends?" into a bit of fun foreshadowing rather than just the tired "catch the audience up" question. He's legitimately asking on top of the rhetorical device.
A pack of six wolves follows them into the ruins, betrayed by their scent to be shapeshifters, or rather, one shapeshifter in six bodies. D'ivers, it seems, change into groups of animals, be it a swarm of rats or a pack of wolves. Absolutely sick. They recognize the shapeshifter as Ryllandaras, but he does not recognize them. The Trell offers to open their discourse, calling him the brother of Treach (an ascendant himself, the "First Hero") whom thought him dead. The creature responds psychically, promising to kill them, but curious of their story. They seem to feign ignorance of one another, an alliance of convenience rather then friendship, boasting that they'd be able to take him on. They do soon give up the charade, calling one another by name as a final intimidation tactic, and this dissuades the pack from taking them on. We get the implication that Icarium resorting to violence would be a very bad thing for everyone involved, such that Mappo is sworn to prevent such an occurrence. The D'ivers does not seem to recognize Sha'ik, and seems to think killing it's aptorian is no big deal. We leave Mappo and Icarium for the chapter with their disagreeing with that diagnosis, but allowing Ryllandaras to pass regardless.
The next morning, the Imperial Harbor of Hissar is filled with a fresh transport of troops, surrounded by native tribesmen and women armed and shouting, building towards a riot. Such are the musings of Imperial Historian Duiker, the same man who defended Heboric in his trial. Meeting him is Mallick Rel, advisor to the local High Fist, also named as a jhistal priest of the Elder god of the seas. That he was merely greeted by the advisor was a calculated insult. Curiously, this adviser has quickly ascended the ranks to get where he is, inviting countless dark rumors of what he may hold over the High Fist, such that any who stood in Rel's way seemed to meet an accidental end. With the ship now unloading is the new Fist of the 7th, Cotaline of the Crow Clan. Although Duiker doubts his capacity to navigate the political web of the Empire, we shall soon see he is more than adept at cowing the locals.
Mallick Rel near immediately insults the man, his words smooth and insidious. The historian remembers his quick-formed dislike of the creature. Rel informs him that the Empress has no active machinations in Hissar, whatever his source. Duiker is here to observe the new batch of prisoners bound for the Otataral Mines. It doesn't seem like a stretch to assume this is the same ship that Felisin and co. were boarded onto. Mages were often used in the Otataral mines so that they may double as a containment facility. While the mages within often went mad, it is unkown if this was from Otatartal changes or Warren deprivation. With the new batch containing so many muggles, long-term Otataral exposure can be studied in depth.
The two are approached by two more, an unnamed rough-looking captain and the lone surviving Cadre mage of the 7th, Kulp. The two newcomers express significant distaste for their new Fist and the Wickan people as a whole. MR inserts himself into the conversation to note that Coltaine is an odd choice, given the tension between the two groups as well as the Wickan's status as formerly one of the Empire's strongest rivals. But Duiker comments that this is not at all strange, Coltaine was the one to unite the clans and establish a rebellion, one the Empire had a terrible time putting down. The Emperor, in his usual fashion, acquired Coltaine's loyalty through unknown means. While the man was placed in Quon Tali backwaters to rot after Laseen's coup, the degredation of events on Genebackis necessitates the maintenance of order on Seven Cities at all costs, hence, the skilled local Coltaine is placed back in command in the face of the prophesied rebellion.
The man himself approaches the seething mob, who had been continuously escalating their hostilities over the course of the above conversation. With a sheer undulating shout he manages to quell them; compelling them to fall in line and quietly move out. Admiring this show of skill, the four comment on it, with the captain mentioning how Coaltine's political savvy matches his savage people skills. Mallick Rel thanks him for the advice. I must admit, despite spending several paragraphs describing how loathsome the man is, that his directness and frankness, calibrated to match the new energy of the conversation such to drop everyone's defenses was very well done. I myself didn't note the Captains blunder until it was pointed out. He may be a schemer but his people and manipulation skills match.
Elsewhere, sailing down from the Skara isles, our Bridgeburner crew of Crokus, Apsalar, Fiddler, and Kalam continue their journey home-ish. Fiddler, for his part, is bored and seasick, internally lamenting his presence. Crokus and Moby attempt to comfort him, with minimal success. The monkey/demon, for his part, has adopted the sapper as many creatures do.* Fid's internal monologue is a delight to read BTW. He internally frets over their coming excursion in 7C, and all the danger the continent posses.
*While I mentioned this before, it is weird to me that Mammot's familiar is just hanging around after his death. There's something there.
Apsalar calls out a school of flying fish, running from something large. Kalam mentions that its odd the hunting fish would themselves be hunted round these parts, being apex predator's in the area. The dherabi of Seeker's Deep hunt them, but they never come out into water this shallow, or on the opposite side of the continent. Unfortunately, a dhenrabi, one who's scent betrays it as Soultaken, far more massive than any natural creature, appears and begins pursuing them. I will say, this is some excellent creature design. Sure, it's "just" a centipede sea serpent, but the added details of how it swims/sinks with filling/emptying it's caprice with air, along with how it uses this to hunt is the kind of creative and interesting detail that makes this stand out without devolving into an exposition dump.
Interestingly, the Soultaken uses the opportunity to out itself by communicating with them. Fiddler uses the opportunity to warn the creature not to approach. It ignores his warning, moving in for the kill, and promptly has it's head blown off by Fiddler using a munition. My guy is just wandering around a fantasy world with a backpack of thermite grenades while being vaguely unimpressed with all the wizard shenanigans he come across. What an excellent character. As an aside, I assume this particular Soultaken was heading much in the same direction the others were, for whatever reason. I also wonder if they survive the deaths of their animal forms. Hours later, they notice some ridders on the coast, a Malazan messenger and his guards. The two Bridgeburners comunicate through glances, one touch I like with this is how Kalam's messages, while clear, are in Fiddler's pattern of speech, as we're in his head.
I'll note the likely importance of whatever this messenger is hoping to convey, but not speculate as there's nothing to speculate about. Also, Blue Moranth are apparently a thing (although they may have received a passing mention in GotM, now that I think on it) and the route that Fiddler internaly lays out gives us a rough idea of some of the geography of this world. Crokus attempts to make small talk, giving the audience a peek into the Bridgeburner's last time on 7C. The time when Kalam and Quick Ben were on the opposing side, the T'lan Imass marched for the Emporor, and somehow, the two were folded into the Bridgeburners themselves. I'll also note the mention of the "Seven Holy Falah'dan" for later. Fiddler demands the boy be quiet, as "all wars are ugly, but that one was uglier than most." Kalam himself only revealed these details while drunk.
Crokus, thwarted from one line of communication, demands that the BBs explain why they're passing almost completely through the wrong continent on their way home. They explain that they intend to assassinate Empress Laseen. Apsalar takes to this well, muscle memory brining an old smirk of Sorry's to the forefront all the while. She remembers that Kalam himself was a master assassin, high ranking within both his time under a Falah'dan and in the Claw, and is thus confident in his skills. For whatever reason, their plans and preparations begin in 7C with the rebellion. Whatever it is they intend to do here is in accordance with Quick Ben's (who can apparently just warp wherever) scheme he was cooking up at the close of GotM. For the sake of Darujhistan, Crokus agrees to the plot; and so we leave them as they land upon the coast.
Well this has been one heck of a setup! Expanding the world while still being constrained to what's been referenced before. Shapeshifters are racing an immortal amnesiac down the Path of Hands, rebellion is closer than ever, and our good old Bridgeburners are scheming to take the Empire down from the head. I, for one, cannot wait to see how it all unfolds!

Introduction

It's widely believed that Canada doesn't really need a comprehensive defence policy. However, recent have clearly demonstrated that Ottawa could no longer rely on the status quo, as an open hostile Russia has been completely but an increasingly aggressive China.
While avoiding direct conformation, the Government of Canada is announcing a compressive package of retaliatory measures that are sent to enter into force within the next 12 months. This invokes proportionate reduction in Chinese diplomatic presence in Canada, as well significantly increased stringency of security screening for Chinese companies operating in Canada.
Ottawa continues to stand its ground on the newly announced immigration measures. However, Immigration, Refugees, and Citizenship Canada has also outlined a package of additional measures. This involve treating all Chinese nationals coming to Canada as de-facto asylum seekers in terms of security screening. While normally IRCC would do their best to cooperate with Chinese state authorises, when conduction background verifications, and security checks, now the Government of Canada shall suspend all current and future requests, as well as refuse to provide any information about Chinese nationals currently present in Canada or applying for Canadian Temporary or Permanent Residence Visas. Additionally, Canada shall cooperate with its allies to allow Chinese national visas in foil-less visas, as well as damaged or expired travel documents, so long an can provide a verifiable copy if their Chinese nationality.
Notably, current applicants for Permanent Residence in Canada will be eligible to apply for a Open Work and Study Permits in case their experiences in China may not be verified, to compensate for the loss of points on foreign experience with additional time in Canada.
Canada is also waiving quota of family reunification applicants for Chinese nationals, as well as removing income eligibility requirements, allowing Chinese nationality to bring their partners, parents, and grandparents, as well as dependents to Canada as temporary or permanent residents.
Additionally, Canada shall immediately declare a Chinese Ambassador Persona Non-Grata, as well as suspend Canadian non-diplomatic representation in China, including emergency evaluation of the IRCC office in Beijing, as well as a "stand-by" order for all Canadian diplomatic staff in China, eyeing possible retaliation by the PRC's government.
Canada shall also introduce major restrictions on Chinese investment into the country, requiring any investment coming from a Chinese national without TRV or PR status in Canada to be reviewed before approval, with identical requirements introduced for Chinese companies - incorporated in China or majority-Chinese owned - investing into Canada, including equity and public debt.
The Government of Canada also issues an "avoid all travel" advisory to Canadian citizens to the People's Republic, as well as its Special Administrative Regions. Global Affairs Canada is currently recruiting private companies for Canadian citizens and Permanent as well Temporary Residents to immediately return home.
Canadian companies are also advised to immediately suspend their operations in China, as well as disengage with their Chinese suppliers and customers for the fear of possible retaliation.
Furthermore, Ottawa is set to suspend security clearances of Chinese companies acting in the public procurement space, with an immediate revocation of all export permits for Canadian companies to sell to China, when it requires export authorisation. Canadian companies shall also be prohibited from holding or obtaining assets in China or Chinese companies.
Global Affairs Canada has also advised the Ministry of Foreign Affairs that Canada shall considering introducing "external equivalence" when it comes to China and Russia. Any further escalation from the People's Republic shall be met by gradually increasing economic pressure on China, until the country shall face same resections currently experienced by the Russian Federation.
Canada shall also follow through with the Foreign Influence Registration & Monitoring - a document jointly composed by the Canadian Security & Intelligence Service, and FINTRAC - Canada's anti-laundering watchdog. FIRM aims to provide an open source database of foreign nationals an entities who've been suspected or proven to be interfering with Canadian domestic affairs or have employed illegal instruments to influence Canadian decision-makers. An entity or individual listed under FIRM shall be prohibited from acquiring Canadian assets, as well as using Canadian finical system anywhere in the world. Notably, while FIRM limitations kick in immediately when an entity or an individual entity the list, CSIS and FINTRAC still have to prove their case in court, with restrictions maintained until the court rules otherwise.
However, most importantly, Canada is announcing its desire to join AUKUS following closed negations with Australia, the United Kingdom, and the United States. Under the terms of the brokered deal, Canada becomes an immediate member of the trilateral security agreement, with full access to AUKUS' non-nuclear Pillar II component, to foster greater technological and industrial cooperation. Access to Pillar I - pushing nuclear powered submarines - shall be temporary restricted for 2 years, allowing Canada and the original AUKUS members to negotiate both procurement and technology transfer with Canada.
CAUKUS would also see the Agreement's significant expansion of the agreement, including closer alignment of defence & procurement, as well as increased coordination of export controls and industrial strategy development.

Finance Canada has also declared Canada shall increase its defence spending immediately to exceed the 2 per cent target, with full indexing on unspent funds earmarked preciously.

Areas covered by C-AUKUS

The Agreement is largely focusing on allowing Member States to catch up with third countries in critical technologies, while straightening their existing lead in areas where either individual or combined competency of the Member Sates provides for a competitive advantage.
The agreement covers several technologies deemed to be critical for both national security of future competitiveness.
​

GENERAL DEFENCE

Autonomous systems - systems that can perform assigned tasks with our the need for human interference that included uncrewed underwater vehicles, industrial robots, as well transpiration units and weapon systems.
Advanced undersea wireless communication - includes equipment and techniques that ensure underseas communication with low error rates across longer distances, that are often used by submarines and autonomous underwater vehicles. Specific technologies include extremely-low frequency (ELF) communications, as well as transmitting antennas, acoustic, laser, and LED communication, and maritime sound analysis.
Adversarial AI & reverse engineering - developing safeguards for excusing AI and neural networks for present their use by adversaries, including using original data clusters and utilising captured analysis techniques.
Air-independent propulsion - mainly through compact energy generation, mainly used ion underwater autonomous vehicles. Those include developments of hydrogen fuel cells and Stirling engines, to enable longer underwater operability.
Autonomous underwater vehicles that are able to operate over long distances, without human interference limited to basic route planning. Those vehicles are most widely used in intelligence, surveillance, and reconnaissance missions in addition to anti-submarine warfare.
Electronic warfare utilise electromagnetic spectrum to deny, degrade, disrupt, deceive, or destroy and adversary’s electronic systems or enable forces to operate in contested and degraded environments, such as electronic protection. This involves collection, analysis and processing of electromagnetic signals for intelligence, surveillance, reconnaissance to support targeting and operational planning . It also includes collection of foreign instrumentation signals intelligence (FISINT). Specific techniques GPS jamming, GPS spoofing, communication jamming, communication masking, and frequency-hopping communication.
Hypersonic detection, tracking, and characterisation for glide vehicles, including trajectory projection and early detection, with land, ship, air, and space-based sensors and algorithms for rapid trajectory analysis.
Sonar and acoustic sensors used to identify and locate underseas objects. Applications for sonar and acoustic sensors include monitoring marine wildlife, and threat detection, identification and targeting for defence.
​

ADVANCED MATERIALS AND MANUFACTURING

Additive manufacturing (including 3D printing) - which is manufacturing physical objects by depositing materials layer by layer according to a digital blueprint or 3D model, regardless of their size or metal structures. Applications for additive manufacturing include rapid prototyping and making custom or small quantity components.
Advanced composite materials include new materials created by combining two or more materials with different properties, without dissolving or blending them into each other. Examples include carbon-fibre-reinforced plastics and laminated materials. Applications include vehicle protection, signature reducing materials, construction materials and wind turbine components.
Advanced explosives and energetic materials - materials with large amounts of stored or potential energy that can produce an explosion. Applications for advanced explosives and energetic materials include mining, civil engineering, manufacturing and defence.
Advanced magnets and superconductors - strong permanent magnets that require no or few critical minerals. Applications include scientific research, smartphones, data storage, health care, power generation and electric motors. While superconductors are materials that have no electrical resistance, ideally at room temperature and pressure that create strong magnetic fields, used for medical imaging, transferring electricity without loss, and hardware for quantum computers.
Advanced protection clothing and equipment serve to protect defence, law enforcement and public safety personnel and defence platforms from physical injury and/or chemical or biological hazards. Such as helmets, fire-retardant fabrics, respirators, and body armour.
Continuous flow chemical synthesis produces fine chemicals and pharmaceuticals using continuous-flow processes, rather than batches. Flow chemistry can make chemicals and pharmaceuticals faster, more consistently and with less wast. Applications for continuous flow chemical synthesis include rapid analysis of chemical reactions, and manufacturing industrial chemicals, agrichemicals and pharmaceuticals.
Coatings Substances are substances applied to surfaces to add useful properties like preventing biofouling, repelling water, reducing visibility to radar, enhancing thermal efficiency - for example in hypersonics - and preventing corrosion.
Critical minerals extraction and processing systems and processes to extract and process critical minerals that includes mining, concentrating minerals, and manufacturing battery-grade chemicals.
High-specification machining processes involve cutting and shaping raw materials into precise components using advanced tools such as, lathes, laser cutting, and water jet cutting. Those are used in aerospace manufacturing and other industries for high-grade precise production.
Nanoscale materials and manufacturing nvolve materials with features smaller than 100 nanometers and the technologies used to produce them. Applications include various fields such as pharmaceuticals, wastewater treatment, data storage, communications, semiconductors, carbon dioxide capture, and nanoscale tracking markers for important materials.
Novel meta-materials - new synthetic materials that have properties that do not occur naturally, such as the ability to bend light or radio waves backwards. Applications for novel metamaterials include energy capture and storage, radio antennae, and adaptive camouflage.
Smart materials that have properties that change in response to external pressures, such as shape memory alloys that change shape when heated and self-healing materials. Applications for smart materials include clothing, body armour, building materials and consumer electronics.
​

AI, COMPUTING, COMMUNICATIONS

Advanced data analytics involves systems, processes, and techniques for analysing large volumes of data (known as 'big data') to extract valuable insights with minimal human involvement. It is used in medical diagnosis, acoustic analytics, regulatory compliance, insurance, climate monitoring, infrastructure forecasting, national security.
Advanced integrated circuit design and fabrication focus on creating complex integrated circuits using process nodes below 10 nanometres. This includes designing systems-on-chip (SoC), field programmable gate arrays (FPGAs), stacked memory on chip, and specialised microprocessors for the defence industry.
Advanced optical communications utilise light to transfer information over optical fibre, such as air or the vacuum of space. Those employ laser technologies and other means to achieve faster, more reliable, efficient, and energy-efficient information transfer. Applications for advanced optical communications include high-speed Earth satellite communications, short-range visible light communications, narrow-beam laser communications, and multi-gigabit broadband and corporate networks.
Advanced radiofrequency communications (including 5G and 6G) use radio waves to transfer information through free space. They employ novel techniques, advanced antennas, and beamforming technologies to achieve faster, more reliable, efficient, and energy-saving communication. Applications include satellites, cellular networks, Wi-Fi, Bluetooth, sensor networks, connected vehicles, medical devices, and public safety services.
Artificial intelligence (AI) algorithms and hardware accelerators perform tasks that typically require human intelligence, such as virtual assistants, process automation, virtual and augmented reality, creating realistic video game environments and characters, public transport planning and optimisation, crop and livestock management, and defence. AI hardware accelerators are specialised computer hardware designed to run optimised AI algorithms in smartphones, portable virtual and augmented reality systems, and low-power internet of things (IoT) sensors.
Distributed ledgers are systems that record transactions, contracts, across multiple systems or locations. They eliminate the need for a central authority, making transactions and records more secure against cyber-attacks and fraud. Blockchain is an example of a distributed ledger, and Bitcoin uses it for financial transactions. Applications for distributed ledgers include cryptocurrencies, supply chain verification, product provenance and emissions monitoring, tracking recyclable content, land records, and share trading.
High performance computing refers to computer systems such as supercomputers, that are significantly more powerful than consumer devices such as desktops and laptops that excel at processing large amounts of data and performing complex calculations that are beyond the capabilities of other devices, used in areas such as climate modelling, computational chemistry, and high-quality computer graphics for film and television.
Machine learning that included neural networks and deep learning. Applications for machine learning include computer vision, facial recognition, cybersecurity, media creation, virtual and augmented reality systems, media manipulation (e.g. deepfakes), content recommendation systems, and search engines.
Natural language processing includes speech and text recognition and analysis, refers to systems that enable computers to recognise, understand, and use written and/or spoken language in a manner similar to human communication. NLP is a branch of artificial intelligence. Applications for NLP include predictive text, language translation, virtual assistants and chatbots, summarizing lengthy documents, sentiment analysis, and enhancing the accessibility and inclusivity of technologies.
Protective cyber security include, algorithms and hardware that are designed to enable a cyber security enhancement. Applications of those technologies include but are not limited to: operational technology security, authentication infrastructures, protection of aggregated data sets, protection of AI systems and supply chain security.
​

LIFE SCIENCES & HEALTHCARE

Biological manufacturing uses living cells to make useful chemicals or materials, especially in the pharmaceutical sector with fermentation products, biologic medicines such as antibodies and enzyme replacement therapies, and enzymes for environmental remediation and recycling plastics.
Synthetic biology creates biological systems and devices that have useful functions not found in nature. Applications for synthetic biology include creating microorganisms that can clean-up environmental pollutants and recycle plastics, manufacturing animal-free meat and dairy products, and biological computers.
Vaccines and medical countermeasures refer to technologies that allow quickly develop and manufacture vaccines, drugs, biologic products and devices used to diagnose and treat emerging infectious diseases and medical conditions caused by exposure to harmful chemical, biological, radiological, or nuclear substances. Applications for vaccines and medical countermeasures include public health emergencies, industrial accidents and defence.
​

ENERGY & ENVIRONMENT

Biofuels include fuels produced from biological or organic sources. Examples include biogas and biodiesel derived from plant biomass, and bioethanol from crops such as corn and sugar cane.
Directed energy technologies transfer energy between two points in free space. Applications for directed energy technologies include powering consumer electronics, recharging electric vehicles, powering aerial drones, ground-space energy transfer, wireless sensor networks and internet of things devices, and advanced weapons.
Electric batteries utilise various materials and chemistries (e.g. lithium-ion (Li-ion), nickel metal hydride battery (Ni-MH)) and form factors (e.g. flow batteries for stationary grid storage, polymer electrolytes for vehicles and personal devices). Applications for electric batteries include electrified road and air transport, smartphones and personal electronic devices, medical devices and grid energy storage.
Green, Blue hydrogen and ammonia involve production, storage, distribution and use of hydrogen (H2) and ammonia (NH3) for heat and electricity generation. Hydrogen and ammonia are potential low or zero emission, zero-carbon alternatives to fossil fuels and electric batteries. Applications for hydrogen and ammonia include energy storage and as a fuel source for aviation and marine transport, long distance road transport and heating.
Nuclear energy, including cost-saving nuclear technologies and Small Modular Reactors. Applications include energy production for self-contained and/or remote uses, such as space travel, submarines, scientific research and medical isotope production.
Nuclear waste management aims safely dispose of, or reuse or reprocess radioactive waste products from medical, industrial and research practices, i.e. converting radioactive liquid waste into synthetic rock to minimise leeching, and reprocessing spent radioactive fuel for use in long-life, low-power batteries. Applications include environmental protection and extending the useful life of nuclear material.
Photovoltaics convert solar energy into electricity using layers of semiconductor materials. Applications for photovoltaics include low-emissions power stations, rooftop solar power, spacecraft and personal electronics.
Supercapacitors can store large amounts of energy in small volumes. Supercapacitors store less energy and for shorter durations than rechargeable batteries, but can accumulate and deliver charge much faster than rechargeable batteries, and tolerate many more charge and discharge cycles than rechargeable batteries before performance degrades. Applications for supercapacitors include regenerative braking, smartphones and personal electronic devices, grid energy storage and defence.
​

QUANTUM & AI

Post-quantum cryptography is based on mathematical techniques for ensuring that information stays private, authentic, while resisting attacks by both quantum and non-quantum computers. The leading application for post-quantum cryptography is securing online communications against attacks using quantum computers. Because quantum computers can efficiently solve the ‘hard’ mathematical problems we currently rely on to protect online communications.
Quantum communications (including quantum key distribution) allow to communicate quantum information at a distance, including cryptographic keys. Applications for quantum communications include transferring information between quantum computers and sharing cryptographic keys (which are like secret passwords) between distant people in a way that means it is impossible for anyone else to copy.
Quantum computing deploys algorithms that depend directly on quantum mechanical properties and effects to perform computations to solve particular types of problems much faster than existing computers, including problems that are not practical to solve using even the most powerful classical computers imaginable. Applications for quantum computing accurately simulating chemical and biological processes, revealing secret communications, machine learning and efficiently optimising very complex systems.
Quantum sensors utilise quantum mechanical properties and effects for high precision and high sensitivity measurements. Applications for quantum sensors include enhanced imaging, passive navigation, remote sensing, quantum radar, and threat detection for defence.
Photonic sensors use light to detect changes in the environment or in materials. Applications for photonic sensors are broad, ranging from mainstream photography, through to sensors for environments where electrical or chemical based sensors are impractical or unreliable, such as laser based gas sensors to detect explosive materials or flexible photonic sensors embedded inside the human body to monitor bodily processes.
​

SPACE, ROBOTICS, TRANSPORTATION

Advanced aircraft engines (including hypersonics) enable greater speed, range, and fuel-efficiency for aerial vehicles. Examples include hypersonic technologies such as ramjet and scramjet engines that allow aircraft and weapons to travel beyond Mach 5.
Advanced robotics are capable of performing complex manual tasks usually performed by humans, including by teaming with humans and/or self-assembling to adapt to new or changed environments, such as industry and manufacturing, defence and public safety, and healthcare and household tasks.
Civil autonomous systems technologies deliver machines that can independently perform tasks under limited direction or guidance by a human operator in passenger and freight transport, un crewed underwater vehicles, industrial robots, public safety and defence.
Drones, swarming and collaborative robots cover air, ground, surface and underwater vehicles and robots that can achieve goals with limited or no human direction, or collaborate to achieve common goals in a self-organising swarm. Applications for drones, swarming and collaborative robots include public safety, environmental monitoring, agriculture, logistics, and defence.
Small satellites are relatively low mass and size, usually mass under 500 kg and no larger than a domestic refrigerator or washing machine. Applications for small satellites include lower-cost earth observation constellations and wide area communications networks.
Space launch systems (including launch vehicles and supporting infrastructure) that are used transport payloads—such as satellites or spacecraft—from the surface of the Earth to space safely, reliably and cost-effectively. Applications for space launch systems include launching defence, commercial, and scientific and research payloads into earth orbit.
​

CHALLENGE-BASED INDUSTRIAL COOPERATION

However, some projects may not fall directly within the areas covered by the agreement, thus narrowing the impact of the deal. To ensure the funding streams remain available for the broader array of private and public sector actors, allowing preferential treatment of projects aimed to addressing shared concerns, even if formally falling outside of the scope of original agreement.

• Net Zero Stream - supports reproach, commercialisation, and diffusion for projects that may not necessarily develop new technologies, however result in sizeable reductions on greenhouse emissions, such as CO2 or methane.
• General Competition Consideration commits national governments to maintaining a more diverse of suppliers within the Alliance. This includes providing preferential treatment for procurement and business assistance programmes to companies to preserve more competitive domestic market or reduce market concentration.
• Critical Supply De-Risking mandates mandates governments to use subsidies, defence procurement, and other incentives to nurture within-the-block capacity to compete and effectively replace potentially risky suppliers, in areas that the government deems critical for national security, so long it remains in line with general non-discrimination treatment of supplies from other Member States. By Suppler Chain De-Risking applies to all industries covered by the agreement, as well as industrial equipment, intellectual property, food production, and healthcare.

Forging Closer Alignment

​

HARMONISED EXPORT CONTROLS REGIME

Since the agreement covers highly sensitive technologies and contains provisions pertaining to vital public services that may require export controls, the Member Sates agree to fully align their respective regimes. This necessaries a common information-sharing network between national security on trade bodies, with real-time flow of data and maximum transparency. Thus, no party shall grant and export permit to a legal entity for a product, asset - such as intellectual property - or service that have been explicitly denied a similar permit by another Member State, unless otherwise agreed by the parties concerned. All participating jurisdictions also oblige to notify all other Member Sates when issuing export permits, and suspending previously issued authorisations upon a request from another member country for further examination.
With a fully aligned exports regime, signature parties agree to suspend all limitations - unless otherwise agreed - for legal entities that may require a permit for a non third country, focusing on monitoring and sharing information about enemies, assets, products, and services concerned. Proper alignment also allows for for implied exchanges in human and intellectual capital, as well as accumulated expertise in the private sector across the Member Sate companies.
Notably, the export control alignment also applies to the movement of talent across Member States, committing national governments to maintaining a shared regime on both screening of potential human assets, as well as placing restrictions on the movement of potential persons or groups of interest.
This clause largely aims to alleging Member Countries with the United States' ban on American citizens working for Chinese semiconductor enterprises, while also helping member states to identify potential persons of interest in third countries.
​

PROCUREMENT COOPERATION

Despite committing to non-discrimination of foreign companies when it comes to public procurement, both Canada, the United Sates, and the United Kingdom have actively shilled their defence procurement and other sectors deemed important for national security.
However, as all Member States more closely align their export control regimes, the agreement also aims to level the playing filed, which would mainly intel accessing defence contracts and military procurement. Firstly, brings the principle of certification equivalence into play: a company that has obtained security clearance to participate in a defence or critical procurement project in one Member State can use that certificate for bids in all other countries, thus avoiding unnecessary duplication. Other member states however retain the right to request additional clearance or for the company to re-apply under their restive national procedure if the nature of the project involves is more sensitive, focuses on the field the company has not had clearance for, or if there's a reason to believe that company may pose higher security risk in different member state.
The parties also commit to prioritise applications and bids from Small & Medium Sized companies, and jointly support a diverse set of military contractors in every country through joint programmes and cross-border financing. The agreement also obliges defence procurement agencies to expelling security clearance and give the first priority to SMEs, defined as companies with less than 500 employees. National procurement agencies also commit to facilitating innovation delusion across the Member States, including through explicit authorisation for information and technology, as well as human capital sharing, among bidders for contracts.
All Member Sates also commit to facilitate scale-up funding and intellectual property acquisition when it comes to business assistance. Thus, national investment authorities, such as the British Business Bank, US Small Business Administration, Canada Growth Fund, and other business assistance bodies shall treat public investment projects into other Member States on par with their domestic markets, including equal access for companies operating in signature jurisdictions. The agreement also specifically outlines cooperation between the Advanced Research & Innovation Canada, the Defence Advanced Research Projects Agency in the United States, and Advanced Research and Invention Agency in the UK through permitting liberalised flow of human capital, intellectual property, and financial recourses, while committing those agencies to treating projects across member nations equally to their own domestic market.
The agreement also commits Member States at spend at least 5 per cent of their GDP on innovation policy, through public and defence procurement, business assistance, and tex credits.
​

R&D FRIEND-SHORING & SHARING

The proposal includes much closer cooperation between the parties when it comes to friend-shoring R&D, and reducing the block's dependence on both foreign expertise and technology. This would see Member Sates granting automatic domestic student status to anyone who is pursuing postgraduate eduction in one or more countries of the block, including the right to work in their field upon graduation in any member country, on the reciprocal basis. The Member Countries take it upon themselves to provide reciprocal access to postgraduate eduction and employment that is equivalent to that of their domestic students to anyone who has received their undergraduate eduction another member state, unless precluded by security concerns.
Additionally, each Member State shall mandate a certain percentage of their post-secondary support to be allocated for a new type of Partnership Scholarships & Grants. PSGs allow to for preferential treatment of research projects that are being conducted by individuals from several Member States jointly, including guaranteed full reimbursement of the research-affiliated costs and support for the cost of living. The programme also provides for funding whenever a postgraduate student decides to complete their eduction or research in more than one Member State. Notably, the programme also provides funding for research internships for current students and graduates, so long the internship takes place either with a company that operates outside of a Member State but remains incorporated within the alliance, or requires travelling to a different Member Sate, with respective costs covered by PSGs. Reattach institutions and private employers are free to apply for funding that shall cover up to 100 per cent of the cost of those kinds of internship, so long they hire a postgraduate student graduating from a Member Country, with the pay grade above the national poverty line. Employment authorisation requirements shall also be waived.
All signatories also guarantee an "immigration backstop" procedure, allowing those who participated in PSGs to obtain the right to remain in at least one the countries of the member states permanently.
PSGs also provide for the "domestic treatment" of research projects across Member Sates, allowing both individuals and research institutions seek funding through the Partnership Scholarships and Grants as well as other public funding channels. The agreement however, explicitly guarantees both researchers and institutions the right to be treated as domestic entries when submitting their applications regardless of which Member Sate they primary reside in.
​

SHARED INTELLIGENCE CAPABILITIES

The deal provides for a joint Technology Intelligence & Assessment Centre to be launched by Member States as own standalone institution dedicated to monitoring critical technology development in third countries. TIAC also focuses on developing new intelligence capabilities when it comes to assessing third countries' innovation capabilities, including their capacity for monopolising critical technology fields, as well as the potential for engaging into technological espionage. The Centre is tasked with not only developing offensive capabilities, but also boosting the Member States' ability to detect and remove potential vulnerabilities in critical supply chains and R&D.
The proposal also allows for a more structured approach to communication with the public, through Member Sates agencies directly learning from each other's engagement startles and communicating with both the private sector and individuals on the importance of critical technologies and assets. While also promoting open-source intelligence sharing through joint analytical programmes and cross-departmental collaboration.

Impact on Domestic Politics

Canadian federal politics have been fairly polarised recently, especially following the Liberals' third in the row victory without winning majority in the popular vote. Initial in-action of there government has cause further sliding in Liberal approval ratings, as Canada aimed to secretly negative its entry in AUKUS.
However, the House has seen a rare moment of unity, as the Government present their agreement with Canberra, London, and Washington, following by the foreign influence registry, as well as new defence spending targets. Surprisingly, the latter item has seen the left-leaning NDP also supporting the motion, as Liberals has committed to massively increase spending on veterans and humanitarian assistance.
Public reaction for far has been fairly mixed, as Canadians remain fairly sceptical of an idea of more defence spending, yet much more amenable. Notably, the government had to explicitly rule out the idea of new nuclear capabilities to be located in Quebec, citing the province's long-standing opposition to foreign nuclear deterrence among French Canadians.

Acknowledgements

• https://www.csis.org/analysis/canadian-membership-aukus-time-action
• https://www.csis.org/podcasts/35-west/more-subs-urgency-aukus-canada
• https://www.aei.org/foreign-and-defense-policy/aukus-flawed-by-design/
• https://www.cgai.ca/rethinking_canadas_security_strategy_how_canada_can_graduate_from_the_kids_table
• https://csis-website-prod.s3.amazonaws.com/s3fs-public/publication/170628_Obecny_USCanadianDefenseCoop_Web.pdf
• https://www.aspistrategist.org.au/aukus-three-partners-two-pillars-one-problem/

So I started my journey at the end of august 2022 at 180lb ( 5"4 F) and I lost 46lb. I am now at 134lb. My " ideal weight" on calculators is supposed to be 122-125lb so that is what I set as my goal weight.
But all along my journey I have been struggling with losing my curves and feeling a little flat. Yesteday I went shopping and bought a size small from a teen shop and realized that I don't want to get any slimmer and look like a child. After a lot of thinking, I think I will end my journey at 130lb ( love a round number haha).
Thing is.. I kind of enjoyed the whole process, the control I had on what I ate, feeling like I accomplished something everyweek ( lost a pound a week), I love everyone being impressed by what I did, feeling like I was improving myself.. But now it is over, sooner than I thought and it feels like grieving a little bit ?
I know it is sounding like the begining of an ed but I also hate not eating all my calories and will force myself to eat if I did not eat enough today if it helps to put things in perspective.
Anyway, has anyone felt like this and how did your transition to maintenance go mentally ?

The Iconoclast was very different on the inside than it was on the outside. The outside was painted a dark, rusty red and kept simple to help blend into the void of space. It was large, sure, about a kilometer and a half long, but it was also bulky in a sleek way, two words that shouldn't have fit together but did in this case. The ship had a lot in common with those of tilfish design; substantial in tonnage for its purpose but still practical and efficient. But it was also clearly pieced together from several salvaged tilfish ships by humans, making it thinner and and more predatory in nature than what you'd normally see constructed by the aquatic insectoids.
The inside, however, well that was a different story. It was a warm orange color throughout, and filled to the brim with things you wouldn't expect to see inside of a warship. The first place she saw just down the hall when she entered the ship was the dining hall. The dining hall was actually more like a very large dining room, with dozens of wide circular tables that were bolted to the floor surrounded by elegant dining chairs. Two red vintage soda machines sat side-by-side next to a series of glass-door fridges containing all sorts of drinks from soda to bottled water. A buffet was to the far side of the hall, next to a pair of push doors leading to the kitchen. A few dozen members of the crew were already seated, most of them being Arxur and Humans, although she spotted a few Gojids and Harchens in the mix. Babushka Polina hobbled past them back to the kitchen while mumbling about something, a Venlil wearing an apron opening the doors to the kitchen for her before following her inside.
Everybody was chatting and socializing, dinner apparently not having been served yet. She preened her feathers nervously, scared of what would be served. Even if it wasn't a sentient, the idea of these predators tearing apart a live animal terrified her. She didn't want to be here to observe their eating practices, even if she had seen some outliers. Would they even serve anything other than meat? Sure, Song Lui had served her vegetables, but these people were very different; they had different accents, skin tones, names, clothing, and probably a different culture. She couldn't assume they would act the same as Song Lui, as it would be both foolish and unbecoming of her.
She felt Sargen's clawed paw squeeze her shoulder in a vain attempt to comfort her. "Whatever you think is going to happen, it wont. Just sit down and relax, and I promise I'll be right next to you."
Silijima took a deep breath in the vain attempt to calm down. "What will they be serving," Silijima hissed, the panic in her voice readily apparent. "I don't want to be eating meat from some carcass like a predator. I know that the predators on this ship won't eat me, but that still doesn't change the fact that they eat like predators."
Sargen just chuckled. "You really don't have a clue. Let's just go sit down, I'll introduce you to some of my coworkers before Igor gives his speech and Babushka announces the beginning of the feast."
Silijima fidgeted but relented, allowing Sargen to steer her into the dining hall and to a table with a few crew members along with a tall, white bottle containing some kind of potent and clear liquid; alcohol maybe? Their presence didn't ground her at all, rather it only made her even more anxious, but she pulled herself together and shooed Sargen away before sitting down. The largest of the humans, practically a giant in size and only a few inches shorter than Tarlim himself, looked at her and she nearly jumped out of her feathers. He was young, but still mature enough to seem jaded, and he had a mop of messy black hair that covered his dark hazel eyes. His lip was scarred, and his neck had a few nasty scars as well that reached down under his loose t-shirt and onto his chest. He was muscular and toned, reminding Silijima of a tree trunk you'd find on her homeworld, and his arms were the size of bridge cables. He was sitting in a larger chair than usual, probably because any normal chair would've seemed comically small in comparison, and probably break under his weight.
"Who's your little friend, Sargen? Is she the new blood?"
Sargen nodded. "That she is. This is Silijima, our newest hull engineer and weapons maintenance coordinator." Sargen gestured to the truly massive human gently. "Silijima, this is Haran, also known as Goliath. He's one of our assault specialists and heavy gunners."
Silijima waved meekly, and Haran nodded. "She doesn't seem too confident. Lucky for us she isn't a grunt."
Sargen scowled at Haran, obviously not happy with how he spoke about Silijima. Silijima, on the other hand, wasn't too offended; she understood she wasn't exactly confident even if she was a trained soldier.
"Haran, please try to show some respect; she's our newest crew member."
Haran shrugged. "I didn't mean to offend, just pointing out that she doesn't exactly have nerves of steel."
"No, no; it's fine," Silijima interjected. "Don't worry about it, Sargen, I know what he means." And she did. She wasn't brave at all, or at least she didn't think she was brave. Sure, she had fought before, but she was just an engineer. Her combat experience was limited to assisting the ship guard in defending the more vulnerable parts of the ship. It wasn't her job to go out of her way to be face to face with predators, and thus she wasn't used to it. In fact, that was one of the reasons why she was able to last so long inside civilian society after her temporary discharge; most of her fellow soldiers were desensitized to predator glares, a surefire symptom of predator disease, while she was merely capable of reacting in time to not be gutted by an Arxur.
Haran simply nodded. Next to him was a tall, youthful and pale-skinned human with brown hair and green eyes. He gave Silijima a friendly human snarl and a small wave. "It's good to meet you, hun, I'm Timothy."
Silijima imitated him, waving her wings nervously. "It's nice to meet you too, Timothy. What's your role on the ship?"
Timothy chuckled for a moment before responding. "Oh, me? My job's pretty boring. I'm just the quartermaster, essentially the guy who manages the ship's stores and assigns rooms."
Sargen nodded behind her. "Timothy's a good man; he helped me through some hard times and he still does from time to time."
"Yep, I try to help everyone on the ship when I can; Sargen is just special to me because he's one of my close friends." Timothy then turned his attention to Sargen, who seemed to shrink under his carefree gaze. "That reminds me, Sargen, you missed dinner last night. What's that all about?"
"I… something came up." The enormous Gojid stuttered, obviously nervous.
"Oh really? Well, we have a few days before our next assignment. You should come over tonight."
Sargen didn't seem too amused by that idea. "Timothy, you don't have to invite me over every week."
"Oh, but we do," Timothy countered. "Sargen, when you're at home on the station you subsist off of takeout and whatever junk food you pick up at the insta-mart. Me and Madison want to make sure you eat at least one healthy meal every week."
Sargen grumbled for a moment, but didn't resist causing Timothy's smile to only grow. "Good, I'll expect you to be there. Siijima ,hun, you're invited too if you want to join us. We don't serve meat at the table when our crew members join us for dinner, I promise."
Timothy's kindness shocked Silijima. Inviting someone over for dinner on Nishtal was only done for business or if the individuals in question were good friends. For Timothy to invite Silijima, a relative stranger, over for dinner showed that he truly saw her as a potential friend. "I would be honored, but I wouldn't want to intrude on whatever… this is."
Haran snorted in amusement at Silijima's synopsis of the odd relationship between Timothy and Sargen, obviously having experienced this conversation beforehand.
"Nonsense," Timothy replied, "We always make extra, and any friend of Sargen's is a friend of ours."
Silijima didn't say anything in return, but Sargen spoke in her place. "Timothy, let's just get through lunch before you start inviting people to dinner."
Timothy shrugged, a smile on his face. "I understand. Just make sure you come tonight; Gabbie misses her Goji."
Silijima had never seen a Gojid blush so deeply before. "Please don't use that name in public, it's degrading."
Timothy made a face that implied he obviously wasn't going to respect Sargen's request, causing the Gojid to fume.
To the right of Timothy was a Venlil female. She didn't wear anything except for a simple pearl necklace, but her fur was meticulously combed and groomed. She gave Silijima a soft, motherly smile, a smile that put her at ease.
"Don't mind the boys, dear, they're just acting like fools as usual. My name's Varka, one of the resident nurses under Dr. Kaczemeric." Venlil stuck out her paw, and Silijima was confused until she remembered to take Varka's hand. Varka simply giggled, obviously amused by Silijima not being used to human social norms. "It's nice to meet you too, dear. Why don't you sit down next to me? Carphano and I are probably less intimidating than our human friends."
Varka gestured to the final crew member at the table, a male Harchen with a scar across his face. He waved as well, his side facing eyes droopy and full, as if he hadn't had much sleep recently. "My name's Carphano, communications officer, nice to meet you."
Silijima sat in between them, the feeling of being amongst a group of species she was familiar with making her feel much more comfortable. Sargen and Timothy were still arguing quietly, while Haran watched with an amused look on his face. Suddenly, she heard the loud and repeated clinking of a spoon against a glass. Across the dining room, Igor stood on a podium made from inlaid mahogany, a bright snarling smile plastered on his face. "Friends! Today is a good day! In the past week, we made history!"
The entire dining hall went silent at the sound of his voice. This must be a man that commanded their respect.
"Five days ago, we returned from what may just be the greatest group liberation in Commonwealth history. Thirty two cruiser-class cattle ships were captured, their prisoners saved and their guards captured or killed. Today, the Coalition has finally given us the exact number of cattle liberated, as well as our cut of the spoils!"
The entire dining hall was dead silent, the anticipation palpable. Finally, Igor gestured to a man next to him, a shorter human with a thin brown mustache and olive skin. The man passed him a paper, which Igor opened like a giddy child receiving a birthday card. Finally, he read the contents, his snarl only growing.
"The final number of liberated cattle was… one hundred and twenty-two thousand, three hundred and seventy four; the largest liberation in history."
The entire room broke into cheers, aliens of all races holding each other and yelling. It was pandemonium, but Silijima couldn't help but join the crowd, both the news and her herd instincts causing her to join in with triumphant squawks. The idea of saving over a hundred thousand sentients from slavery was so incredible that it invoked a euphoria inside of her that she hadn't felt for a long time.
Igor gestured for the crowd to quiet down, and as they did so he spoke up again. "We must remember, however, that this was not only our doing. We must congratulate our comrades who assisted us, all seven ships, their crews and captains, as well as mourn those who were lost while fighting for the freedom of others." With that statement, Igor held up a small glass of the clear liquid, as did many of the crew members. Then, he shouted at the top of his lungs "mortem tyrannis et oppressoribus!" Before downing the liquid in a few gulps and slamming the glass onto the podium with a loud thump. The rest of the crew followed suit, the largest arxur to the tiniest dossur drinking and shouting the motto Igor had proclaimed. Silijima didn't have a glass, so she just watched expectantly, waiting for Igor to continue.
"Now, for the part all of you have been waiting for; payroll. Even after the Coalition took their cut, and we split the profit eight ways, we made out like bandits. Needless to say, you'll all be getting the maximum bonus on top of your commissions."
More cheering, even louder this time. Silijima didn't blame them; Igor seemed like a good boss if he was giving out the maximum bonus for a job well done. Even Sargen had a bright smile on his face, as if he was already planning on what he was going to spend the money on.
"And finally, our future work; we won't be taking part in any liberation fleets any time soon. Instead, the Coalition sees fit to assign us on a defensive rotation, so it should be a calm few weeks. This means that if you've been on a few back to back missions, you should go home and rest for the month. Spend time with your family, or vacation planetside for all I care; God knows you all need it after our last victory. The rest of you; be prepared to take off on Friday and be space-born for at least a week at a time. And be prepared for a fight; NeoSec has detected a small Farsul fleet in the area, at least five thousand ships. Nothing cataclysmic, mind you, but still a worthy challenge."
There was murmuring now, people discussing the change of pace and whether they liked it or not. From the corner of her eye, she saw Sargen practically pouting, arms crossed and eyes refusing to make contact with Timothy's. Timothy, to his credit, seemed very pleased with himself.
"So hun, what brings you to our little slice of chaos?" Asked Timothy, eyes twinkling. He took another sip of his drink, a bottle of soda so green it almost looked radioactive. He seemed really nice, like a preacher, but without any of the feelings of hesitation she'd get from speaking to one. He lightly tapped the wedding band on his ring finger against the neck of the green glass bottle, causing it to make light clicking noises.
"I uhh… I wanted to get away from Nishtal. Too much is going on there for me to be comfortable with."
Timothy nodded. "That explains why you came to the Commonwealth, but not why you decided to become a Corsair. It's not an easy life, you know."
Silijima pondered his query for a second before responding. "Military life is all I know. When I finished secondary school I joined the navy because I had nothing better to do, but now that I'm out I can't imagine any other life. Sure, it's hard, and especially dangerous, but without that certainty and structure that I get from being on a warship, I feel lost."
Timothy nodded, his face becoming a little somber. "I understand that feeling. I'm ex-military, although I didn't see much combat. Getting out is the hardest thing I've ever done, although I'm pretty sure I never really left the service, I just changed who I served."
Silijima nodded. "It's refreshing to talk to someone who understands. That life… it changes you, and not for the better. Everyone at home, well, they're scared of me, they say I'm diseased and it's a matter of time before they throw me into some clinic where they drug and shock me until my brain melts. Even the people I served with, if they weren't already taken away for 'treatment' then they're too terrified to say anything because we don't know who we can trust."
For the first time since she had met him, Timothy didn't seem amused or amicable. He had a deep frown on his face and his eyebrows were bent downwards, an expression she had been told meant anger. She backed away a little, but he held up his hand. "I'm not mad at you, it's just the idea of an entire society treating those who risk their lives to protect them like dirt is despicable. On earth, we celebrate our heroes, not vilify them."
Silijima nodded. "In a perfect world maybe, but I'm used to it."
"But that's the problem; you shouldn't have had to live like that, in fear of the same people you swore to protect… it's not right."
"Maybe, but what's done is done. I left Nishtal and now I'm here, so maybe I can experience that respect for once."
"You don't have to hope, because I know you will. The people here are different, even the former feds, you'll see."
And with that uplifting though, dinner began. Polina and her assistants, two Venlil and a Sikvit, rolled out massive wheeled tables filled to the brim with different steaming pots, pans and bowls containing all kinds of food. To her dismay, there was meat on the table, but there was also a section entirely dedicated to vegetarian dishes, and it was even longer than the table dedicated to meat.
Some of the naval staff ran up to help, with Polina shooing them away stubbornly. They simply ignored her and helped anyway, rolling the tables to the far wall next to the kitchen. Soon, a massive feast was gathered, with over two dozen tables of all sorts of human delicacies.
The crew quickly made their way to the tables, forming lines at each. Plates, bowls and cups were passed out by the kitchen staff, and soon people began piling their plates high with all sorts of food. Sargen had two whole bowls of what seemed to be a deep red colored stew, which she first foolishly assumed was blood, but quickly realized was just the liquid taking on the red color of the beets and cabbage. Timothy had a bowl of hearty cabbage stew that she had learned was called Schi and a shallow plate of small, ear-shaped dumplings on the side called Pelmeni, swimming in a fragrant broth and topped with a dollop of sour cream and a sprinkling of black pepper. There were other dishes, so many that Silijima couldn't count them all, but she was introduced to many of them by Timothy when he led her up there to get her a plate. There was all sorts of vegetarian dishes for her to try, ranging from cold soups like Svekolnik, Okroshka and Botvinyah, all sorts of salads with based on salted pickles and beetroots, several variations of hot soups like Schi and Borscht, Vareniki dumplings, farmers cheese shaped into cakes and shallow fried and so much more. Timothy insisted on making sure she got her fill, so he made her plate for her, filling her a bowl of Svekolnik and some Vareniki dumplings on the side with Smetana and black pepper. Only then did he let her sit down, after he quickly said grace, of course. Silijima didn't know what saying grace meant exactly, but she guessed that it involved them thanking their strange human God for their food, which felt anything but predatory.
Timothy took a bite of his Pelmeni. "So, how're you liking the station so far? Anything peak your interest?"
Silijima chuckled. "Everything, actually. This place is so unique and alien compared to anything in the Federation; it makes me think about what my species would be like if the Federation hadn't erased our old culture."
Timothy gave her a small smile, but she could tell he was troubled. "And you don't mourn for that lost culture?"
Silijima paused, thinking about his question. "I suppose I do sometimes. The idea of us being freer and less… inane with our thinking really strikes me as a wonderful change of pace. I could never see myself as an omnivore… no offense!"
But Timothy wasn't offended. "I don't blame you for not suddenly being enamored with omnivore; the same happened with cloned meat on earth. A bunch of elites tried to make cloned meat the rule and not the exception through all sorts of government restrictions and subsidization schemes. All these rich influencers and wealthy magnates who can still afford to buy the real thing, and still do to this day mind you, told us how we were supposed to live and what we were supposed to do, that we were supposed to sacrifice while they enjoyed every luxury imaginable. To this day it doesn't sit well with a lot of people on the station."
Suddenly, Silijima's mouth dried up and her appetite disappeared. "You guys don't clone meat here?"
Timothy shook his head. "Nope, not a single pound. In fact, it's been lawfully and democratically voted into illegality by the citizens of the station, to protect our cattle farmers planetside. Most humans on earth aren't vegan and vegetarian by choice; it's really expensive to buy meat because of meat cloning, and that was before the war and the deals with the Arxur. Now you have to be vegan because of the massive decrease in available cattle. That doesn't stop the rich from eating their fill though."
Silijima looked away, internal disgust battling moral indecision. On one hand, the idea of eating live cattle was far more disgusting to her than cloned meat, but on the other hand she understood his metaphor clear as day; it was about the Commonwealth and the Federation. "You support cattle farming not because it's better, but because it benefits humans more."
"It's not about 'you' or 'me', Silijima, it's about 'us' and 'them'. At the end of the day, a government is supposed to represent everyone and see to their requests, not what the government thinks they need or want. That also means everyone should be equal under that representation, and not that the rich and wealthy should receive all the attention and benefits while the lives of you and I get harder and harder. Sadly, people had to learn the hard way that when you give governments the right and the power to provide you with everything, suddenly they provide you with nothing. Medical care, for example, started out as a right after the satellite wars. It quickly became a privilege for the 'good citizens' who voted the right way, and said the right things, and if you didn't suddenly you got a bill in the mail for hundreds of thousands of dollars for your daughter's chemotherapy, stating that you had waived your right to state-sponsored medical care the moment you chose to practice your right to free speech in a way that was deemed unsavory by the UN." Timothy looked straight at her, his eyes boring into her soul, and she quickly realized that he was speaking from experience.
"What are you getting at," Silijima stated hastily, nervous over Timothy's sudden change in tone.
"What I'm getting at, Silijima," he stated, his eyes downcast as he ate another dumpling, "Is that rights shouldn't come with caveats. Just like you shouldn't be punished for coming back a changed woman after you dutifully served your people, I shouldn't have my daughter used against me for practicing what should be a universal right. Unchecked power is a cancer, and the Commonwealth was created to prevent that from ever coming into being."
Silijima mulled over what he said. Would humans really do that to each other in the name of power? Deprive each other of basic rights? Silijima was used to the Federation deceiving her people, but what punches had humanity pulled in the name of retaining power.
"Timothy, if I may ask, what is humanity really like?"
Timothy chuckled. "What made you think I implied we were any different from what the UN had shown you?"
"The reveal of my species' former omnivory, and your statement about caveats and free speech. You made it sound like humanity was hiding something."
Timothy sighed, obviously weary. "It isn't humanity that's hiding anything, Silijima; it's the UN. They want you to think that they were all these wonderful, misunderstood balls of cloud fluff. In reality we're assholes. We hate each other with a passion and we're not afraid to show it. War, racism, misogyny and misandry, prejudice; we'll find a way to hate each other even if it's impractical because we need some great enemy to battle or otherwise we'll start asking questions, questions that will be of a detriment to the UN. The rich and powerful used this for a long time to make us forget we were fighting a class war and not a culture war. They made us enemies of each other because of how strong our convictions could be."
Silijima's heart sank. She had guessed as much.
But Timothy wasn't done. "Before you start judging us too harshly, I'd like to add that the pendulum swings both ways. Humans, we often hate each other, but we can be even more passionate. We live, we love, and we protect those who dedicate themselves to our cause with a fury like no other. And even though we have problems with our many differences, we are equally able to see beyond it when the reality of how petty it is is presented to us. And to me, Silijima, you aren't a Krakotl; you're family, and there's no bond stronger than family."
Silijima considered whether she liked that or not. Then she realized that her standards had been far surpassed. These strange primates had been everything she hoped for and more. She figured she could pull a human and looked past their differences from now on.
"I'd like that," she said, tears welling up in her eyes. "I'd like that very much."
Timothy smiled again, that bright, mischievous smile, and for once she wasn't alarmed or frightened. She was comforted. "I'm glad you do. But there's something else I wanted to tell you. There's a city from my old nation, and at the entrance of that city stands a great statue. Most of it was obliterated during the bombing, but one piece remained; the plaque. It read as followed;"
Then Timothy spoke poetry that reached into Silijima's soul, and her tears became unbearable. She cried as he spoke it, as if they were the words she wished to hear all her life, a promise that could set her free.
"Not like the brazen giant of Greek fame,
With conquering limbs astride from land to land;
Here at our sea-washed, sunset gates shall stand
A mighty woman with a torch, whose flame
Is the imprisoned lightning, and her name
Mother of Exiles. From her beacon-hand
Glows world-wide welcome; her mild eyes command
The air-bridged harbor that twin cities frame.
“Keep, ancient lands, your storied pomp!” cries she
With silent lips. “Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me,
I lift my lamp beside the golden door!”"
"We took the plaque with us when we fled, I helped carry it myself," Timothy said, a shadow of a smile formed on his lips, as if he was reminiscing the moment, "they're still demanding it back to this day, which is why we welded it to the wall behind the seats of our council chambers; the UN doesn't deserve it back, they lost the right to speak those words long ago. But the message is universal; you are welcome here, as is your family, and you will not be silenced or suppressed. We want you at your best, and we are willing to deal with your worst. All we ask is that you have an open mind, and do the same for us."
Silijima nodded, tears streaming from her eyes. "I can do that."
Timothy's smile grew even brighter, and he wrapped his arm around Sargen's shoulder, pulling him in close. "Then I'm sure me and my family would gladly welcome you, isn't that right Sargen?"
"Hmmmkmfh?" Sargen said, confused and with his mouth full of borscht. Silijima laughed, and for the first time in years the stress that had built up in her chest was gone. She was free. She was where she belonged.
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________
I'm back. This is officially the end of the first Gunbirb Saga. I won't be focusing on Silijima for a while because I'll be focusing on other places, and other topics. The Galaxy of Interloper is even bigger than the standard NOP galaxy, and I've got so much to show you (;
I posted the first chapter of the next Part prematurely: that was a mistake on my part but I was dying to write more about Dojur and his consolidation of power. The next five or so chapters will be of a very different tone than the first five, much darker but also filled to the brim with Arxur and Dominion worldbuilding about culture, religion and daily life.
If you like what I've written so far, and you like my terrible writing and my inane worldbuilding, go check out other stories that I've written:
Waking Dreams: An insane pokemon/bleach crossover, and my first real attempt at writing something. It's a long story that's nowhere near finished, and it's got the deep worldbuilding that I'm not really known for [:
The Spider's Stronghold: Another insane fanfic crossover between Pathfinder and PJO, primarily Jason-centric. Take that as you will.
I also just wanted to thank everyone who either helped with this story or gave me support in the form of art (That would be u/BushBacon69 ) Or simply taking the time to comment ( u/A_Tank_With_Internet, u/AcceptableEgg5560, u/bltsrgewd, u/WonderfulMagpie, u/se05239, and others.) Thank you all; without the motivation you all have given me, I wouldn't have finished this fic.

Edited to remove personal details and information.
Well, this is certainly taking a toll on my mental health right now. For context, I’m a summer camp counselor and I told my mother that I’d need to try on my shorts this year, just to be careful, because I think that most of them don’t fit me and I don’t want to have to rewear two pairs of shorts the whole week. My hips have gotten a bit larger and due to that my butt has gotten larger too. It’s not drastic, but I’d rather not look like I have a man bulge due to my athletic shorts being too tight.
She says, and I quote, “your body has changed a lot in the past six months, I’d assume that most of your clothes won’t fit you. You look like you’ve gained weight”
And wow did that hit me hard. My mother doesn’t have the best track record with her weight (250-300 lbs as a 5’4” female. Now she’s 185 ish probably) and I don’t understand why she thinks it’s acceptable to make me feel bad about my body. For example, she always buys me competitive swim suits in sizes much small than what I need. And then gets angry and says they should fit. No, they’re cutting of the circulation in my arms. For context I’m 5’7” 155 lbs, 28x34 pants. I never thought I was fat, or overweight or anything. In fact I’m very active, softball, competitive swim, cross country, track, and even running in my spare time.
She tells me, oh yea your body has changed a lot in these past six months, you’ve gained some weight. I took a six month gap in sports to focus on my mental health and to work with my cattle. I still run at least twice a week. I was 145 lbs before and I felt disgusting all the time. I would get headaches, and you could see most of my ribs. After gaining 10lbs I feel so much more healthier, despite disliking the way my body looks now. And it’s not a constant thought, I’m not afraid to wear specific clothing or anything, but I despise people making comments like that. I broke down. Started crying. She’s angry at me now because apparently she didn’t do anything wrong and I’m just being dramatic since my period is coming up.
I’m young still, I’m already insecure and have panic attacks, I’m tired of crying so much. Any kind words would be nice. I’m not really looking for anything specific, just maybe a kind word or reassurance that I’m not “too large.”

Hey Jeep crew! I'm not tire smart, and could use some help. I have a 2009 Grand cherokee Laredo V6 with stock wheels and rims.
Stock is P245 65R 17S.
I'm looking to put a 2 inch lift on it soon, but my real question is what is the maximum safe tire size I can get away with? I'm looking at a local deal and they are LT285 /60R 18 and they come with wheel spacers.
Any way I can make this work on my 09'?

Hi all, just want to get some opinions. I have a stock 2021 SR5P with the almighty shitty dealership dunlops. I will probably get falken wildpeaks or nitto terra grapplers in about a year or so. I was looking at either doing a leveling kit or a small lift so I can look dope when I get out of my car at costco. I dont need anything for performance or excessive offroading, just the occasional camping trip. My plan was to only get bilstein 5100 struts with stock coils on the front set at 0.85" lift and leave the rear as is. I also came across the Eibach stage 1 lift kit however I am not sure that I need all of that - especially with a hefty price tag. Any thoughts/photos/recommendations are appreciated. I am planning on keeping stock tire size.

Some background info... I figured I'd been wearing the wrong size bra the entirety of having boobs, since I was 17 I've been measured at a 32DD/DDD, and they are both ill-fitting sizes they feel too small, the sides dig in under my armpits, and there's gapping at the top and side when I wear t-shirt bras. When I wear balconette bras there's spillage, they feel too tight, and the cups don't cover my nipples.
So today when I put my measurements into the calculator (30underbust, 35overbust / snug, standing) it says that I'm a 32C, other bra companies like Cuups say I'm a 34C, skims, 32a with my snug measurements, and 36B with my loose measurements. I've tried B-cup and C-cup bras in person and they do not fit whatsoever. They are way too small and the band sizes are too big. With all that being said what is my actual size? because any size I try is ill-fitting... Also not sure if this is important but my boobs are wideset, and they are almost as full on the top as the bottom.

Sorry if this is long, I'm just chatty.
So, I've been on a vigorous hunt for a bra that fits. Initially the calculator told me 44DD and as someone who's been in 44B but feeling like that's small for at least my right boob (my left girl tries but the difference is obvious) I was like...heck it, Torrid had some bras on clearance so I bought a couple aaaaand mixed results. The band size was definitely too tight but was easily fixed with one bra extender so not way off. The cups...were weird. Unlined balconette bra I could fit with the scoop from the side but I didn't care for just how much it cut into me even after some extender magic, especially in the center of my chest. Gave me a lump and with my apple body shape and the hell it is to find pants that fit right, I'm lumpy enough, I don't need more. The second bra was a lined plunge bra and deep down I knew it was never going to work. My ladies were absolutely drowning in the cups and it's because I don't have a whole lot of breast tissue filling out the top. I can make this one work by doing my old high school trick of just wearing a bandeau bralette thingy over the bra and scooping and piling my ladies in. I can even give myself a little bit of cleavage which is what I'm doing this moment, just sitting, enjoying that rare moment of cleavage without my right boob folding in on itself.
So. I can make them work but they aren't bras that fit. I remeasured and recalculated and this time...I got 46C cup. Much closer to my usual and within expectations. But I gave it a few days and remeasured again because I apparently did something weird between the two to get such a difference. This time, also 46C. Lovely, gave that a go. Got one balconette bra on Lane Bryant that looked smoother. Tried it on. Aaaaaand the girls are unhappy again (but the band size was much nicer). I tried to scoop and fill and my right girl can sort of make it work, my left just slides on out and of course no top filling. Can't even do the bandeau trick without noticeable indents and wrinkles in the bra cups. I'm still waiting on a push up bra from LB.
But in the meantime, I've been trying to find a demi bra or something that my lack of top tissue.
And I'm trying to find something to help my left girl because when I say it's obvious she's lacking in comparison to her sister, I truly mean it'd obvious. The proof is in the side rolls/side boob I guess. Namely I only have a side roll/boob on the right side and the left side doesn't (impressive with my 250lb apple build). So scoop and fill is an extra struggle on the left because she has little to nothing to scoop. I don't think there's a bra type that can actually assist with that but any advice is welcome.
Also, if it matters, my calculator measurements (inches): Loose: 48.5 Snug: 46 Tight: 41.5 Standing: 49.5 Leaning: 50 Lying: 49 (this is a little generous tbh but it was between 48.5 and 49 so I just rounded up)
TL;DR: Plunge bra obvious no-go, mixed success with balconette, maybe a Demi but haven't found many on Torrid/LB, and my left boob could legit just be a different cup size than my right. Advice?

I got some 255/40 r17 & 225/45 r17. Would I run into any issues running these with xdrive? Any info is helpful